What's for dinner?

I've decided that one of the hardest things for me are: "what the fuck do I cook for dinner"?  It's so flusterating that I can't just think of something and make it. Or I can't just look through a cook book and be like, "yum, I'm so making that tonight".  It's not only that things don't fit my "diet" but I really never know how I'll feel after I eat it. Lately it seems to change, one day I'll eat something and I feel okay, the next time I eat the same thing I feel like complete crap. It's so discouraging.  I love to cook! My OH also loves for me to cook! ;) Hes so spoiled and has got so used to dinner being cooked for him, often times I get a "what for dinner", two seconds after he walks in the door.  (He also blames me for his weight gain since we meet, oops!) But as I said I like to cook, and I like cooking for him! (Let me add, he's been so amazing with the drastic change in our dinners, never complains, never questions the new recipes, and always tries it, have I mentioned lately, how much I love my OH?) Also, I think it's like a hobby for me, I just like to cook! Or bake! Baking is good too! But I've found that's been even more tricky because I don't do so well with the sweet stuff. As, much of it is full of fat.  But! I crave it!  I quit smoking about three years ago and that when I really gained a sweet tooth, sense dealing with GP its gotten wrose! Gah! I hate it. That's the best thing about baking at home is you can change what you want. I'm learning that...slowly.

That leaves me with what the hell is for dinner to to tonight?? :( 

I get tired of this. I was going to do something with chicken, I do really well with chicken. But I think I've made everything under the sun that I can make with chicken.

I've also starting to write things down, like making lists of things that I *can* (normally) eat and trying to go off from that. 

I know this is a normal everyday issue for a lot of families. But when you add a list of, I can't eat that, I can't eat that, or that, it gets über annoying! 

Guys! What's for dinner!?? 

<3
Update: I figured dinner out! I just did some "Dill" Chicken Sammie's' with a touch of hot sauce and some yellow rice! :) 

My Other Half

One Year Ago Today My Other Half Asked Me To Marry Him! <3 
I'm so incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful man by my side. And even more happy that he really seriously wants to marry me! I really still can't believe we're engaged. The day went something like this.....
I knew something was up, he was really happy, nervous and pacing the house. I was sitting at the computer chair and he pulled me away from the computer pushing me off of the carpeted living room  floor on to the laminate kitchen giving me a good push and watching me sore to the other end of the kitchen and then stopping me before I rammed into the fridge, I screamed seconds before he stopped me. This was nothing out of the norm, we often play like teenagers. :p 
He grabbed my hand and pulled me off he chair into the living room sitting me on the couch. He got down on one knee and said, "Are you sure you want to do this? Will you Marry Me"? I was completely speechless and have no idea how long I was quite for. I finally said yes and jumped in his arms. 
I really can't wait until I can call him my husband. I have no idea how we will pull off the wedding, but we are an amazing team of making things work when we want them to. 
We don't have the perfect relationship, but we rarely fight, never yell, and have spent a handful of nights apart since the day we meet. (And only because he took an out of town job)
Our first night spent apart was after about four years together. 
We have been together an amazing six years. 
He's been great with my digestive disease, he often has a hard time telling what to do but always finds a way to make me smile through it all.
 He's so patient with me and puts up with my constant complaints so well. 
He always tells me how gorgeous and beautiful I am always reminding me why he love me and he's here to stay. 
How'd I get so lucky? <3 
10-6-06*
2-4-12*

But, You Don't Look Sick.

-I did a little introduction before this post- this kinda ties in with it-
Here it is two years later, thirty pounds lighter and.....miserable. Yup. In the last 2 years I've done a ridiculous amount of reading and talking and hearing about GP, I feel pretty educated I feel like I understand the digestive tract, I understand what I should and should not be eating and most of all I know my own body better than any doctor. (Which by the way, always, always listen to yourself and what your body is telling you, it's probably right). But, I still (well, lately) feel like absolute shit. As, I  sit here and eat a handful of nasty, discussing barbecue potato chips and I freakin' wonder why I feel like shit. But, no, really I don't usually do that, or when I do, I understand why I feel like crap! At least I can understand why when I eat things I know shouldn't.  I've had countless tests the last couple years and also countless sleepless nights and painful days. But I'm surviving, I'm learning and hoping to improve the way the feel.  Or have more answers? Either way, I've got to figure out the ways to cope. This is the hand I've been delt and this is what I have to deal with.
Along with the GP I've been dignosed with a nice handful of other things which I'm told some are due to the GP and some are not.  Like SBBO (small bowel bacterial overgrowth), GERD, and slow motility through the lower porition of my GI tract. The SBBO, is terrible, before that dignosis my belly would swell (or bloat) to he point of looking 6 months pregnent! It was awful.  I'm still ridiculously bloated, a good portion of the time, but not as much before taking medication for the SBBO. And when your belly bloats like that, it hurts, a lot and your skin stretches and it itches like crazy!  The medication for the SBBO is an antibiotic that I go on and off from. I get a ton of questions and confusion of why an antibiotic, and won't it hurt me and isn't there something else, etc.  Something else to take? From my understanding and education, no. In order to kill bacteria you need antibiotics, and our bodies are always producing bacteria, good and bad. In my case the bad bacteria gets where only the good bacteria should be. It almost does a "reverse" in the wrong portion of the GI, causing all these terrible symptoms.  So, I have to go on and off this medication to stop all the bad (yes, it kills the good too, unfortunately) bacteria.  This medication only works in the intestines and is much different then taking an antibiotic for something else, like a sinus infection.  What lots of people don't realize is thousands of people with un-curable disease are on a type of antibiotic.  So, tons of people live...like me!? (Whew! Good to know, huh!) :)  I guess the GERD is a given with GP and digestive issues as most people with digestive issues have GERD. It's pretty common and lots of people suffer with just that. I can relate. I get awful, awful chest pains, it feels like I'm having a heart attack. Okay, I don't know what that feels like, I don't want to know either, but it hurts and it's in my chest. I also have the feeling the something is stuck in my throat, more often then not, which I guess, (still finding this out) is (or can be) part of GERD, as well.  I'm still trying to find a medication the can help with the GERD, I was on one for a while that seemed to help some then my insurance stopped paying for it.  I'm on another now, I'm not sure if its working, I'm scared to say either way. ;)  The slow motility of the lower part of my digestive tract is shitty too. Or not so shitty. (Pun intended, ha!). I know that's a contribution to the bloating I feel everyday and the ridiculous full feeling, pain and the feeling of being super, super full and then five minutes later so hungry I could pass out. It's such a fun time being me. :) No but really.....I AM thankful I can eat the things I can. It could be worse...it really could.

<3

Test Drive

So here's my test drive, I've thought and talked about writing in a blog for years. I wrote daily in a journal growing up, it was a passion of mine.  I'm a terrible writer, or always viewed myself as one. I know no grammar and more often than not over use commas and periods. And I am seriously the worlds worst speller. But this is my spot so, in reality it does not matter. I also only have an iPad at this particular time.  So, writing is tricky and makes me loath autocorrect more than I already do.  For several reasons I've stalled on starting a blog. But, inspired by the many, many (amazing) bloggers I follow, and surviving and loving and living this crazy life, here I am! I'm going to do this. I need to write. I need to vent. I need to be here. I know I do. I'm afraid this will be my complain spot, (which might drive others nuts, not like I care... ;) ) my dump off, my exit, but more importantly, my sanity and my strength and reminder to find the positive in life. To reach out and meet (help?) others like me. So, I'll start here, with a opening on my huge life change about two years ago.
Two long, crazy years ago I was diagnosed with a digestive disease. It was always my biggest fear to not be able to eat what I like/want, I love, love, love food. Who doesn't? I had complications for a year before even being diagnosed. I've had every (and still go through) every test under the sun. And of course, it was discovered at the very last test after about twenty million (kidding!) that I have Gastroparesis. I was actually told this on the phone, a nurse very quickly told me, like nothing, no big deal and hung up the phone. Mind you, I was sick, I had been sick. For a freakin' year. Everything I ate made me sick I was so lost and so sick of spending day after day in bed. I was appalled that this nurse (that works in a GI office) thought it was nothing telling me my diagnoses over the phone and pretty much telling me it was no big deal. At first, I knew nothing I was shocked but also a little relieved for an answer. As, at this point I'd lost about fifteen pounds and was ready to "feel better".  Little did I know....that would take..a while. I called this lovely nurse back and demanded I needed to see my doctor. I. Was. Sick. And needed some relief. This is where my journey with Doctor F starts, where I would have never, ever guessed his 10 x 10 room would be "my second home". His first concern after being (finally) diagnosed seemed to be my weight and my diet. One of the 'tricks', he explained, to this disease is eating the "correct" diet.  He referred me to a dietitian. I was nervous and excited, I felt hope and relief.
Finding the dietitians office was a freakin' nightmare, GPS was telling me to basically go in circles, I was getting so pissed and ready to just go back home. But, twenty minutes late, I found it. A tall very nicely dressed women took me to her office down a short narrow walkway, her office was tiny and in front of me sat a basket of fake foods. Mmmm. Food.  She asked me a handful of basic questions about myself and my diagnosis & I did the same, asking her about Gastroparesis (also called GP). She got out several pieces of paper with lists of different foods and went over the "can eats" and "can't eats" with me. She advised me to change my diet one-hundred percent. From the 2% milk to the type of lean meat to eat. The basic diet for GP is a low fiber, low fat diet. The list of foods she gave me was what seemed to be small. Little lists here and there with basic information. Looking back, the meeting was pretty short. It was basically a brain cram for me. Very basic, here, eat this, don't eat this, have a nice day, here's my business card, call if you have questions.  Leaving her office she wished me luck and told me she hopes I feel better. All I wanted to do was run, as fast as I could and get the hell out of there! I did all I could do to hold the tears waking out of the office to parking lot into my car.  Upon entering my car I burst into tears and had to do everything in my power to clear the tears enough to drive home. The last thing I wanted as to sit in that parking lot and cry. I was so shocked. This was when everything really hit me. This was when I realized this was not a nightmare, this was my life. My new life. The start of a very long, painful emotional roller coaster.